


Witness

by Dalektable



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: A Discussion of Cullen's Equipment, Anxiety, Bisexual Inquisitor, Elf/Human Differences, Elf/Human Relationship(s), Established Relationship, F/M, I have no idea how to explain what this is about without giving it away entirely, Size Difference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-23 08:01:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12502660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dalektable/pseuds/Dalektable
Summary: Dorian didn't ask to be dragged into the most intimate part of their relationship.





	Witness

**Author's Note:**

> Real talk: You can't make a race nonspecific Inquisitor in fanfic. I know people try, but when they do they tend to lean towards more human details. The Inquisitor's race is such an intricate part of who they are that you cannot leave it out. Make a choice. Just wanting more people to read your story isn't justification to do that to a character. Without a defined race, she has no background, no shape, no blasphemous words ( and if you've been around a while, you know I love to blaspheme. ) You cannot talk about her history in any depth, nor her family, nor the way she looks ( elves and dwarves and qunari and humans look different! Shocker! ). You cannot have her exclaim something in her native tongue, and making her say 'Creators' or 'Maker' is obviously out of the question. 
> 
> Who is she? You cannot write a story like that. So I'm determined to talk about it in my stories, because I prefer to play elves and I love the dynamic that it brings to a story. If you want to write about the dynamic of any other race, do so, but don't sacrifice a core part of who the Inquisitor is for views. It's not worth it. Write what you want to write, and write the Inquisitor you like the best.
> 
> So with that in mind, let's continue to this ridiculous piece I decided to write, dedicated to human and elf differences.

Lavellan corners Dorian in the library nook he's always skulking around, catching him mid-mutter about the lack of Tevinter texts lining the shelves. A teasing, witty comment dies in his throat at the nervous look in her eyes, and he, a good friend, files it away for later.

She's skittish in a way he hasn't seen her since she woke him up to catch a spider in her quarters at two in the morning, but it's the middle of the day and the way she's chewing on the skin around the edges of her thumbnail says it's more than a pesky eight-legged visitor. ( Besides, she's had Cullen to rid her rooms of spiders for long enough that she shouldn't have to go the best friend route. It's entirely lover territory to drag oneself out of bed in the wee hours of the morning and vanquish small, hairy beasts. )

“Can we talk?” She asks, barely able to meet his eyes.

“Of course,” he says, uncharacteristically serious, although a hundred and one smug comments nearly win over the sensible route.

“Not here,” she says, looking around at all of the people. Clearly this is not a conversation to be overheard. Lavellan drags him back to her quarters, and if people didn't know better, they would talk. It's all a matter of perspective, though: the Vint and the Qunari is titilating enough gossip for people to gleam where his interests lie, and while Ellana is a beautiful woman, they're certainly not with her.

She settles down onto her bed with a heavy sigh, looking around like she doesn't know where to begin.

“You're the only one I can trust with this. You and Sera are the only people I'm close enough to to admit this, and she wouldn't...get it.”

“And Cullen's not an option because...?” He rests one elbow in the palm of his hand, resting a finger on his lips, thoughtful. It's half teasing and half serious, but her response tells him enough. She flushes, looking more jittery and nervous than she had initially.

“So it's _about_ our dear Commander, is it? Is he no good in bed, because I can certainly give him a few first-hand _tips._ With your blessing, of course.”

“No! No, it's not that,” she says, words sounding stuck in her throat. “We haven't exactly gotten around to that, quite yet.”

“And so you've come to me for advice on how to best please a man. I must say, I'm quite flattered, but--”

“I _know_ how to please a man, Dorian,” she says, tone harsh. “The Dalish aren't exactly as strict regarding sex as humans are, so long as children aren't born to unbonded couples. I've had sex before. Just never with a human.” She considers it for a moment. “Well, never a human _man_.” There's a story there, but Dorian thinks he'll ask later, considering the crisis she's manufactured around herself.

“Yet you can't ask a simple question. My dear, what will we do with you?” He crosses his arms now, leaning back to observe her. When she's flustered or nervous, she has the tendency to ramble, circling around the center of the issue without actually touching it.

“I've had sex with a human before, but she was a woman, so I didn't have to worry about the _parts,_ you know—and elvhen men are differently proportioned because we're smaller, as a race, and that's okay, but I'm _worried._ And I'm not sure if, well--”

She looks at him, a hint of a grimace on her face, unable to avoid the issue any longer.

“Dorian, what's the average size for a human man?”

“I assume you don't mean _height._ ”

“I don't need exact measurements, not that you'd have them, and not that I'm expecting you to have had so much experience that you know offhand, but you were the only one I trusted, and I just need an idea of what I'm getting into, or some context, or _something,_ Dorian, feel free to stop me any time.”

“Love, there are plenty enough pairings of elven women and human men that I don't think you have to worry about compatibility issues.”

“It's not entirely that. I—I just need context. We haven't gotten there, but we have kissed quite, ah, extensively. And sometimes it's just easiest to, you know, sit in his lap. Because I'm so much shorter. And I've _felt_ him get excited, and while I couldn't exactly _measure,_ I have an idea of his, well, size, and I wasn't sure if--” She cuts off at the look Dorian's giving her. “ _Fine._ You're right. I'm worried about compatibility issues, and I figure if the average man and average Elvhen woman can make it work, we could if he's around average. Problem is, I have no idea what the average human man is like. I only know what _Cullen's_ like, and what if we can't make it work and he gets bored of me if we don't fit?”

“You fit. I've never seen a couple more suited for each other than the two of you, and I don't think he could get bored with you, Ellana. The man looks at you like you're Andraste herself, and yes, I _know_ that's not a comparison you're happy with, but listen to me. Cullen would give up everything for you; if you're not able to have sex in the more traditional sense, I'm sure you'll find other ways. But frankly, I don't think you'll have a problem.”

She doesn't look entirely convinced, eyeing him with a sort of wariness she reserves for people she doesn't know nearly as well as Dorian.

“It's great that you believe in us, Dorian, but I'm trying to be realistic. If it doesn't physically work out, he may tire of alternative methods of intimacy. _I_ may tire of it. I think that's something to consider, if nothing else.”

“You're basing this all on a false premise: that you aren't physically compatible. You haven't even _tried_ yet. And while I may not be personally fond of it, the female body is incredible. Women squeeze babies out of those things; I'm sure you can handle Cullen's human _cock_. _”_

“Must you be so crude, Dorian?”

“You're the one who came to ask me whether it'd fit or not.”

“Nevermind. Stay up here as long as you want; I'm going to go get some work done.”

“One question, though.” Ellana turns to him, an eyebrow raised. “Just how big _is_ Cullen that he's got you this riled up?”

She rolls her eyes, “Just how am I supposed to tell you that when you won't give me a reference size?”

“Just show me. With your hands, you know.” He raises his hands in front of his face, parallel to one another, moving them further and closer together in demonstration.

“It's not like I've seen it!”

“Seen what?” The two of them turn to the top of the stairs at the sound of a new voice, and are greeted with the familiar sight of Cullen and his fur collar. Dorian watches Ellana flush and hesitate for a moment, trying to come up with a lie convincing enough to explain why they're here without admitting her embarrassing anxieties about their physical compatibility. Being a man himself, Dorian thinks Cullen would be _flattered,_ but flustered about Dorian himself being involved, and so he keeps his mouth shut.

“Leliana's new, um, communication. About how to behave for our trip to Orlais.” Her flush is fading, and the look of distress that crosses her face is rather genuine. “There are already so many rules, I'm not sure I can handle more.”

Dorian snickers, and she shoots him a look. Cullen just seems confused.

“You two came to your quarters to talk about... _work?_ ”

“Yes, well, we had some personal catching up to do as well, Cullen, and we can't just talk candidly where anyone could hear, now can we?” Dorian speaks quickly enough to stop Ellana from floundering, and to keep Cullen from being suspicious that something is being hidden from him. It would be rather unfair, he thinks, for their relationship to be damaged over something so innocuous.

“Right. It only got to work later in the conversation. We were catching up after the weeks I was away from Skyhold.” She crosses the room to kiss Cullen lightly, running her thumb across his cheekbone reverently. “You know how it is.”

Cullen's shoulders visibly relax, and he nods, possibly thinking of his own reunions with Ellana after her trips away to seal the rifts and solve various problems around Orlais and Ferelden.

“Speaking of Orlais,” he says, seeming regretful to bring it up, and at the same time uncomfortable to be in Lavellan's room, a contrast to Dorian, who lounges in the room like it's his own. “Josephine needs to speak with you, Inquisitor. Varric said you were in your, ah, quarters.”

She nods in response, walking towards the door and turning one more time to Dorian. “Lock up when you leave.” She leans to Cullen, pressing another chaste kiss to his cheek, and they walk down the steps, leaving Dorian to contemplate everything alone.

And in time, when the key members of the Inquisition have returned from Orlais and saving the empress' life, Sera passes him on the battlements, snickering to herself.

“Might want to save whatever business you have with Cully until the morning. Sounds like heand Quizzy are debriefing, yeah?”

He's making his way to the library the next morning when he passes them, walking from the battlements to the throne room, Cullen's arm around her waist, her hand wrapped around his wrist, fingers drawing patterns on his skin. The change is subtle, and most people won't read too far into it, but for a couple who have been so understated about the fact that they are, in fact, coupled, it's significant.

“I take it everything worked out?” He asks, one eyebrow raised. Lavellan flushes and Cullen looks at him curiously. She nods before she answers.

“Yes. Yeah. Everything's fine. Don't worry about it, Dorian.” The intensity of her blush tells him more than he wanted to know, and the slight hitch in her step fills in the rest of the blanks. He wishes them well and walks the rest of the way to the library hoping to read something that will put his best friend's sex life out of his mind.

It doesn't work.

 

**Author's Note:**

> So I wanted to make this intentionally vague about the specifics of Cullen's, ahem, equipment. In part because I don't know what I would prefer writing the truth to be, and in part because it's from Dorian's perspective. This ultimately just came from a few different ideas I had floating around in my mind, since I think about what it means to be an elf in a relationship with a human quite a bit. I think I spend about 90% of the work day contemplating, 5% in meetings, and 5% working. 
> 
> Please leave a comment or kudos if you liked this! Hell, leave comments with what could be improved. I just want some honest feedback.


End file.
